Some things I want to think about

I get a lot of "ooooh!  must think about this" moments, but often forget them by the time I find myself with enough time to think them through.
So this is me making notes to think the following through properly:

• Why do some Christians cross themselves?  Why do some Christians not cross themselves?  What's the meaning behind this?  After looking into it, is it something I want to see if this is right for me?
• Confession - more of a Catholic thing than Anglican in most minds, but what are the ideas behind it for an Anglican?  I know some people do confess to priests, but is it necessary to make public or semi-public confessions of our failings or is it better to bring them directly to God?
• Where am I going?  What is important to me?  What exactly is it that I want to do?  This one may well be a mind-map exercise ....... I do like mind-map exercises.
• Exploring Anglican traditions.  This one might stay on a back burner for a while as I am in the middle of at least 2 new longer term things already.  Basically, I want to know the reasons why we do things a certain way.  I want to understand our rituals and traditions, not just go along with them blindly and unthinkingly.

Getting things wrong

Well that was amusing.  The original typed title was Getting Things Wring. 

Getting things wrong.  I do this a lot.  In small ways and bigger ways.  Today was a good example of getting things wrong in a way that could have been huge if it hadn't been for how the other person handled it. 
I lost my temper with my boyfriend and stomped off.  We walked home (me stomping off in front) and I sat down with a coffee in the corner of the sofa sulking and crying.  Regardless of the reason for the argument I over reacted, and part of the reason for me crying was because I couldn't work out how to make it right again.  I had gotten so far down the road of being angry and upset that I didn't know how to get back on the road of being happy and going forward together like we usually do.

This entry was going to be about the fact that we all get it wrong and we all need to just own up to that and move forward - but as I was typing the paragraph above I realised that you can see parallels between my experience today and our relationship with God.  That it is possible for us to get so far from God that we can't see a way back.  That we then sulk and cry and feel angry and hurt because we just don't know what to do to make it right.  And that's where God comes to us and (in the words of my beloved and patient and wonderful boyfriend) says to come here and have a cuddle. 

I am incredibly lucky in my boyfriend.  He is one of the best things to ever happen to me, and I don't show him that often enough. 
God is even bigger and better than that.  God loves us.  No matter how far away we go, he wants us to come and have a cuddle and to know that He loves us.  OK - perhaps once we have calmed down and cried and cuddled there might then be a serious chat about how we got to that point and how we can avoid getting so confused again; but the point is that WE ARE LOVED.  And that is a pretty amazing thing when you think about it.  That no matter how much we lose our tempers, or get things wrong, or are stubborn, we are still loved. 

Greenbelt 2015

Where to start?
5 days before Greenbelt we weren't sure we would get there as my friend was rear-ended and her car written off.  Her wonderful in-laws came to our rescue though and drove us there and home again after.

This was my 3rd ever Greenbelt, and my 2nd time volunteering.
Volunteering (last year and this year) was wonderful!  You get a completely different feel to things, and you are immediately part of a community, a family.  Last year I was sat with my team leader the night before the festival opened, and a man sat down with us and started chatting.  About 20 minutes later we introduced ourselves and realised we had spent most of the previous 12 months chatting on Facebook!  This was Andy (Dangly).  I soon got to meet others; Storm, Lemming, Stick, Twiglet, McVicar, Sweetcorn, Bigfoot, Tiredy Bear (those are the names I can remember lol), and quickly felt at home.  That feeling was even stronger this year.  I felt energised (and exhausted, but that might have been the two 4am's), I felt safe, I felt embraced (and not just by all the physical hugging).

This year was amazing.
I got to one talk (some excellent questions that I need to think about) and my very kind boyfriend sent me with funds to buy all the talks so we can listen and discuss them together.
I had 2 major insights into things I need to do - specific things; a chat with someone about a question they asked me before I went, and an action I need to do about a different situation.
I also had several other "smaller" realisations about things, and came away with some many ideas and questions and things I want to look into.
One of the best things was the last night.  Talking at the Jesus Arms (hurrah for Crazy Goat!) with first Claire and later Lemming.  Both of them gave me things to think about, but more importantly a strong sense of acceptance.

Greenbelt isn't a hit-you-over-the-head-with-Christianity festival.  It's more subtle, more strong, more sustainable than that.
It's a place where you feel free to express yourself.  To be able to ask the questions you think might be stupid.  To say "this is how I feel".  I said to Lemming how I felt about my faith and he put his drink down, threw his arms round me, and called me sister.  It was wonderful.

I hope (I pray) that I can keep this feeling, this enthusiasm, this discovery going until next Greenbelt.  That I can apply it to my daily life.  That I can explain it to others at my church, and convince them to come to Greenbelt next year to at least give it a go.

I am beyond grateful to the people who convinced me to go in 2013 (last year at Cheltenham).  It wasn't the same experience that first year, but it was so valuable to me at that point that I had to go again.  And then I did.  As a volunteer.  And it was even better.
I spent the whole week grinning (when I wasn't blearily searching out coffee).
Hurrah for Greenbelt!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why this blog?

I blame the boyfriend.  (Waves to boyfriend). 
We have both been encouraged to keep a journal, and we're both finding it a challenge for various reasons.  Personally, although I do love my beautiful journal the boyfriend got me (leather with dragons and handmade paper - it smells lovely and has clasps) I find it increasingly difficult to write for decent lengths of time, probably due to the amount of typing I have done for the last *mutters* years as part of my previous work, and as part of general life (eg Facebook, emails etc).  Basically, writing makes my hand ache.  Typing doesn't.  So while I will keep my hardcopy journal going (easy to carry and make notes in and can doodle) I will also have this blog for musings.

So what do I muse?  Well everything really.  I love playing with an idea, and trying to see it from as many sides as possible.  Let's take something easy.  The Lord of the Rings.  I adore TLOTR and The Hobbit.  I read the books when I was between 10 and 12.  The LOTR films were 3 years of wonderful birthday presents.  And now The Hobbit.  I won't go into what I think of the film versions of the books.  That's an entirely different topic.  What I am using that as an example of is where I can look at different sides of things.
So.  Sauron.  Big evil glowey eye.  World domination.  Right?
Well hang on - why is he like that?  What are his reasons for what he does?  What are his aims and objectives?  What in his past has caused him to behave how he does in the present? 
I don't know these answers.  I haven't managed to read the Silmarillion yet, which has a lot more backstory.  But that's not the point.  The important thing isn't always the answer.  It's the question.  And that's what I like.
So this blog is likely to be a very confusing space for anyone who isn't me :-)  Sorry guys.  If you come on here you're likely to find yourself in my head.  Good luck!